10 Things I Wish I Knew Before Having a Baby
1. Your baby will need you all of the time for everything and it’s really normal to feel overwhelmed by it. As a first time mom I remember feeling caught off guard at the intensity of being needed for everything, every single day; feeding, comfort, sleep, attention. It’s not only the support through physical touch or taking care of them that can feel exhausting, there is an added emotional and mental load as well. It wasn’t until I admitted this to another mom that I realized there wasn’t something wrong with me, but that I needed more support.
Tip: Communicate with your partner or family to block off non-negotiable alone time every day. Even just 20 minutes alone to walk, read, or sit by yourself can work wonders.
2. Connect with a lactation consultant before you give birth. I naively believed breastfeeding would happen naturally, but it’s a new skill both you and baby have to learn! Having an expert teach me about latch techniques, feeding positions, and milk supply management changed my entire experience. If you are pumping, get fitted for the correct flange size so your breast pump works as efficiently as possible. With all of the time and energy that goes into feeding your baby, it’s worth investing in the support. Find someone in advance and sort out insurance coverage so when the baby arrives, all you have to do is call them. (I have an entire blog post about our feeding journey which you can read here)
Tip: There are lactation consultants that make home visits and accept insurance - not having to leave home with a new baby just after giving birth is a huge relief!
3. Plan ahead for the first 4-6 weeks of postpartum. Whether you have a village to help you or not, be proactive and create a plan for postpartum support. This can look like having a family member organize a Meal Train, or staggering help from a postpartum doula, family, and friends who have offered. Pregnancy and postpartum are your seasons of receiving. More often than not, the people around you want to help; they just don’t know what you need. Clearly communicating your needs before giving birth will make the process smoother for everyone involved.
Tip: In the weeks leading up to your due date, whenever you cook, make a double batch to freeze half for a postpartum meal.
4. Time alone will never feel the same again. It’s so interesting how as a parent there are moments when you’re desperately craving alone time, but when you finally get it, all you can do is think about your baby! Whether you’re taking time alone, with your partner or with friends, a piece of your mind and heart will be with your baby wondering, worrying, missing. It will take greater effort to be present and to learn to savor the time you get to pour into yourself.
Tip: If you’re feeling anxious about being away from your baby - call a trusted friend who can relate and remind you they are in safe and loving hands, and to enjoy your time away because it goes by quickly and may not come again for a while!
5. Zoom out and keep perspective. The early years with little ones are beautiful, chaotic, and perhaps the most intense. When you’re in the thick of it, remembering how quickly this time passes can be tough. Periodically having that reminder can make all the difference.
Tip: Write down a list of resources to tap into on days that feel long and challenging. It could be calling a friend or turning to a list of words or quotes to remind you of the bigger picture.
6. Becoming a parent will teach you a lot about yourself… whether you’re interested in learning or not. For tiny humans who can’t speak for the first few years of their lives, boy do they rocket-launch you onto a path of self-discovery! I used to think it was so cliché when people said having children makes you reflect on your own childhood—until I arrived there myself. You are forced to reconcile with your past, both the good and the bad, and decide what you want to leave behind and what you want to carry forward.
Becoming a parent also shows you what you value: how you spend your time, money, and energy as an individual and as a family. On the flip side, it highlights what you don’t value or prioritize.
Tip: There’s a lot of unlearning that happens along this journey, too. Keep an open dialogue with your partner about your family values and priorities so your children feel that consistency.
7. If you don’t have a village, create your own. This was a tough realization for me. Being a new stay at home mom, I felt so isolated and alone. My friends were in different life stages; either working, didn’t have kids, or didn’t live near me. I had to face the fact that I couldn’t expect new mom friends to find me and show up on my doorstep - I had to go out and find them. Creating a village takes effort, consistency, courage, and vulnerability. The more you put yourself out there, the easier it becomes to meet new people and build real, lasting friendships.
Tip: Start out small. Choose one thing a week to show up to consistently; a baby music class, a mom and baby work out, or going to the park. I chose a free library storytime that happened on Tuesdays and showed up every week for months. I got to know the moms who came weekly and exchanged numbers to set up playdates outside of this scheduled time.
8. Taking care of a child and raising a child are two very different responsibilities. When our baby became a toddler, all of a sudden she was a tiny little human who could walk, talk, have opinions and express emotions (so many emotions). Taking care of a child by meeting their basic needs is one thing, but raising a child takes a different level of awareness and responsibility. They don’t become who they are by what you tell them, rather by what you show them. They are always paying attention to what you’re saying and doing and it’s your responsibility to show them how to be a part of the world.
Tip: Children absorb so much of what you do and say before they can communicate with you. Be aware of how you handle stress, react to mistakes, or talk to others in front of them. Your toddler is a mirror reflecting your habits back to you, so model the patience, kindness, and emotional regulation you hope to see in them.
9. Sleep deprivation is tough, give yourself grace. Every baby is different when it comes to sleep, but it’s very likely that when you have a baby, you are sleeping [much] less than you were before. Sleep deprivation was one of the most challenging experiences for me as a new mom. It has a way of coloring life differently and sometimes turning you into someone you don’t recognize yourself. Baby sleep patterns change drastically in the first 12-18 months. Eventually they become more predictable, but it can take time.
Tip: Tag-team with your partner or a trusted loved one so you can get a protected block of uninterrupted sleep every now and again. Having even one predictable stretch of solid rest makes a world of difference for your mind and mood.
10. Parenting is a lifelong journey, and you may never fully feel like you have it all figured out—and that’s completely normal. As soon as you think you’ve figured out your child, everything shifts. Between growth spurts, new skills, and changing sleep patterns, everything is in constant flux. People around you (and online) will pull you in a million directions with advice, but tune out the noise, trust your instincts, and pay attention to your child.
Tip: When you’re not sure whether you can hear your own voice or feel your instincts, go with the decision that brings you the most peace.